Make Space for It All

Much of my work as a perinatal therapist is about creating a safe space to bring unacceptable feelings out into the full light of day, and then clarifying, validating, and destigmatizing them together. It takes a great deal of emotional labor to debunk the deeply woven myths of motherhood we’ve internalized, many of which begin in our own childhoods from our first encounter with a babydoll.  Narratives around how a birthing person or caregiver is SUPPOSED to feel at any stage in their family building journeys are often baked with gooey layers of guilt, shame, and impossible expectations, leaving parents feeling they have to hide their struggles in the shadows to avoid being seen as “bad,” and prolonging their healing process. 

While perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS) involve struggling with dark thoughts to the extent that it impacts the ability to care for oneself or their baby and thus require professional support, there are many other “normal,” very triggering, yet still taboo topics that plague new parents. These experiences are incredibly common yet often felt in isolation, compounding the pain of their impact. To name a few: Gender disappointment, different bonding experiences with second babies as opposed to first, grappling with a less than ideal birth experience, slow attachment formations after a traumatic birth, feeling estranged from one’s body while pregnant/postpartum/breastfeeding, resentment toward the non-birthing partner, dread around having to do this all over again, disliking the newborn stage even after wanting a baby so baby. 

Ambivalent feelings often involve some kind of “shadow loss,” which are losses we experience in life, as opposed to experiencing an actual loss of life. These hopes, dreams, and disappointments deserve to be seen, named, and then properly mourned, since we all have fantasies around creating our own imaginary families someday. 

In one of my favorite poems, Rumi writes, “​​The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” What if we could make space for all of our feelings–the “good, bad, and ugly”? What if we approached them with compassion and curiosity, as teachers with sometimes hidden messages, instead of judgment?

Post and Artwork by Sharon Itkoff Nacache ATR-BC LCAT LPAT PMH-C

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