Rupture and Repair

This one goes out to all the guilt-riddled, over-committed, high-functioning, stressed-out caregivers out there and is something I‘ve been thinking about a lot lately and is somewhat taboo, which is basically this: no matter how much we love our children they can also, equally, annoy us beyond belief.  Both can be true and this doesn’t make us insensitive or “bad” parents, contrary to how this era of intensive/gentle parenting can make us feel. 

In fact, one symptom of caregiver burnout that always strikes me (and catches others off guard) is the high reactivity we can feel toward the most vulnerable in our lives, i.e. our own children –and sometimes the populations we support as mental health professionals and/or birth workers if we are in operating under chronic stress with little support. After naming this, I wonder if instead of feeling guilty for being so frequently irritated or easily triggered, I wonder if we can reframe it as a sign that we actually care too much and are thus are simply emotionally depleted from the constant state of hypervigilance involved in their care and less able to respond from a place of abundance and endless patience. This may free up some bandwidth for self compassion around our own unmet needs so we can begin to take a beat and apply some self care.

For example, my oldest child and I are extremely close, and my husband likes to joke that we are “exactly alike” in how we react when upset. Although I don’t fully agree with that assessment, I do see how often we get stuck in a vicious cycle or power struggle when we argue. I feel similarly about my relationship with my own mom, a connection I refer to sometimes as “electric” because it is charged with so much love and emotion that can both empower but also hurt us at times. (It’s interesting that I relate to both parent and child in these examples.) Emotional attunement to childrens’ needs, which is something “good-enough” caregivers are certainly able to provide, may also translate to children knowing exactly how to push the buttons of those caring for them. They are expertly attuned to what activates a response, so when seeking connection it may manifest as provocative or attention-seeking behavior, since they lack the nuanced tools to navigate exactly what kind of response they will get but know they need something. Of course I know all of this in theory, but in practice it is so very easy to forget once the cortisol and adrenaline start pumping. 

Healthy authentic relationships with emotional intimacy and secure attachment all involve a degree of “rapproachment,” a coming back together to repair after a rupture, a reuniting after a separation, a time to “reset” and try again. So let’s normalize the frustration embedded in our imperfect attempts to synchronize when communicating and caring for others around the clock. It’s demanding work, it’s ok to feel annoyed and love your kids more than anything at the same time. And it’s also ok to take a hot second (or two!) to regulate.

Post by Sharon Itkoff Nacache ATR-BC LCAT LPAT PMH-C